Karrachay never sounded bettaaaah

FM 103

“Hello Krachayyy!! DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa here on this lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely lovely… lllovvely..(pauses here for an eternity), dark Sunday evening!! Hahahahaha!”

This is radio sachal, now called Mast radio and has the most amazing DJ ever. She interrupts in the middle start, beginning, end and everything which comes in between, of every song, and often times I think her producers have to literally press the kill switch on her as she just doesn’t stop talking.


“Me, myself and I, DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa” (as she refers to herself) not only interrupts the music every 20 seconds, but frequently says stuff which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Not only that, in days of listening to her on and off, I’ve never actually heard her say anything of any value. Most dj’s say something about the music, contribute to world peace etc. or at the least talk about their last hair cut, but this dj can’t even manage that.

Anyone who complains about her constant repetition of the same three appalling 80’s songs gets a verbal lashing as she confidently states:

“Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing in the world can beat DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa’s music.” (followed by a (soon to be trademarked and insured) hideously boisterous laugh).

She asks very strange and provocative questions of the callers such as the following exchange:

DJ C: “Assalamailaikum and good evening caller!” (even though it’s the middle of the night)

Caller: “Jee Hello?.”

DJ C: “Hello! Moo-hahahahahaha! (surprised resounding laughter that the caller managed to squeak out a hello). “Whats your name?”

Caller: “Mii nem is Salman. Eye yam calling from Korangi Krak”

DJ C: “Mmm.. Salman? Do you have pretty eyes?”

Caller: No, I don’t think so.

DJ C: “You should check mine out.”

Caller: “Why? Are they pretty?”

DJ C: “You Bet!!!!!! Better than your wildest dreams!!! Why don’t you come over and check them out!!”

Caller: uuhhhhhhhhh…

DJ C: Ok, I love you!. Miss me?. We’ll meet again, if not in real life then definitely in your dreams. muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

*Click*

She keeps belching out “Come on Krachay!” and “Let’s go!”” in a highly excited voice all the time, and other such random stuff. Let’s go where? Some one please tell her that this isn’t an aerobics show – it’s a radio station for crying out loud! She’s also quite rude to her callers, and insults them with abandon.

Caller 2:

DJ C: Hello, AOA, whats your name?

Caller: My names Sohail (cut off)

DJ C: Sohail!!! Hahaahahaha! And hows Salman? Hahahahaahahahahahaha!!

Caller: what? (cut off)

DJ C: hahahaha kayraachi never sounded so good!!

————–end call————

During Jawad Ahmed’s famous song “Tu meree kee lagti” she belched out another gem (wait for it), “hahahahaha! Call in and main tumhe baatoin gee ke hum tumhara kya lagta! hahahaha”. Needless to say, in the next 4 nanoseconds Karachi’s frustrated male population managed to choke up the stations landlines.

Here’s a typical aural experience tuned into the only station with a goddess host:.

“tum tara tum *(MC Hammaaaa!)* tum tara rum *(All yours!)* tum tar a ra ra ra ra ra ra tum *(DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa!)* can’t touch this.. mm tum tar a ra (Lllllet’s go!!!!!) tum tum ta (Hahahahhahaaa I love my laugh! I’m gonna ask you guys to pay to listen to it!) tum tar a ra (I’m should get it insured!) tum tar a ra

Her show is by far the most enjoyable out of all the stations, as you never know what she’ll do next. I guarantee that a 20 minute listen will surely echo in your head every step of your next 24 hours. She’s crazy, man. She’s intense. Revolutionary. Her unique perspective on caller’s whereabouts:

“It seems from your frequency that you are at seaview. Are you not? Are you sure? Don’t try to deny it!.Ok, you are at Hill park. Mmmm, you are at Hillpark. Don’t be at Hill park because it’s dangerous! Bad things happen there hahahahahahaha because I am there watching you and I’m with you. If you want to see me, look at the stars. Yeah! Just Look Up!! You’ll see angels, and any angel you see is me, floating softly around you, caaaarrrying a hammer!!! Have you been hit by my hammer because I love you!

*Oh Shit* (The viewer gasps in mental anguish). Screeeeech! Bam. Ow. Another victim to Craaasssalaaaaaa’s long and ever-increasing list. Angels are fine with me, but hammer wielding angels are beyond the pale. I for one don’t care to be bopped on the head with a hammer – I don’t need that much love.

“DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa!!”

Who is this woman? Is it a woman?

“Here we go!!”

A eternity ago, one fine Tuesday evening as I was driving merrily home ensconced in a warm blanket of security _(or was it the ac which wasn’t working?)_ when suddenly Kylie’s ‘can’t get you out of my head’ was drowned by a ear splitting shriek: “WATCH OUT!!!!!!!!!!!” I swerved left and right, the hair on the back of my neck standing up, warm blanket ripped all to shreds as I craned my neck looking left and right, not to mention forwards all at the same time. “Kaaayrraaacchhhay! cause me myself and I, DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa is in da house!!!!!!” Was it the radio? Could that hideous noise have emanated from the radio? Was it even capable of such loud volumes? Did I run over a cat? I was still wondering when 20 seconds later DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa started up again.

“Karrachay never sounded bettaaaah!!”

DJ Crasala can be found on FM 103.

Article by KO, MO and Gul Mawaz, published at ‘bandbaja.org’:http://bandbaja.org/

37 thoughts on “Karrachay never sounded bettaaaah”

  1. The article deserves a Pullitzer Prize – you guys have spelled out my exact feelings – that “Lady” (too sweet of a name for her) that “Hazard” (better) should be sent to Guantamo Bay and deserves to lie there FOREVER.

    One ‘accidental day’ (PS I swear i am not a listener) while listening to her I had the opportunity to hear her justify her unique style by commenting – “KARAAACCHYY loves my DDJJAYINNG” – I’d like to shoot the people in the butt who call in to her show and tell her shes good – are they Deaf? It appears anyone who speaks any shade of English becomes Amrika returned, and of all things gets a DJ job – please spare us the torment 103

  2. Awesome post!!!

    I have listened to her, and man, is she whacky or what??? She should do the morning shows – I am sure all of us can use some waking up before we get to our offices.

    [The content is certainly PG (if not R) by Pakistani standards]

  3. She’s in the running for best DJ – most of the others seem like they were all mass produced then overbaked. She would be amazing in the morning – would make coffee redundant for thousands on their way to work!

  4. Imagine an entire nation waking up to the her belting screeches. Imagine an entire city driving to work to her “KARAAACCHYY.” Imagine the havoc, the devastation. The destruction. The gridlock. And the suicide.

  5. what about MR. Suhail Hashmi (MR. 80’s himself) on 89?..can you imagine this guy need a Technician to play his songs! Everyone is MR this n MR that..he refer’s tohimslef as MR SUHAIL HASHMI!! and that anthem song..he insists on playing ‘timeless partners’ each and every morning agh!! talk about compulsive obsessive..but ur right nothing beats 103 ha ha..

  6. centurian: If I had to choose b/w Mr. Hashmi and FM 103, I would pick DJ Crasala each time. Most of the shows on FM89 are unlistenable now.

  7. Aah. Mr Sohail Hashmi and his loyal ten callers including the ‘good Dr. Adil Badshah’ and ‘Maham’ et al, and his urge to play the same songs over and over and over again. The calls are never ending and sound the same every single day. What I don’t really get is how can anyone be so happy at 8 AM in the morning. Its just not possible.

  8. Imagine running into DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa the next time you’re out for munchies in the ditch…

    O’m’god… is that really her? Nudge nudge. Wink wink.

  9. I’ve never heard DJ Craaasalaaaa but my cousin knows her. Apparently, she’s six feet tall and is pretty intimidating . . heh. So maybe you wouldn’t want to run into her. And I really agree, the ‘RJs’ on FM 89 are pretty unbearable . . even though they play some good music.

  10. I wonder if she’s read this article…

    Oh no… is she really 6 feet tall? Yikes! Somehow, I have always pictured her as tall, dark, scary… and wearing pink leotards with a yellow top.

  11. A DJ Crasalla fan club? I hear there’s one already. Not only do you have to pay to join, you have to cross the bridge for mittings.

  12. Well i dont think that u ppl who dont like Cressella dont have any option … just change the station … and yes this make no difference cox there are a lot of ppl who love n enjoy Cressella’s show … different ppl different styles and this make the world beautiful so just dont take this too hard … chill yaar.

  13. Well Crasala is the best thing to happen to radio since ages. She is different, wild, jolly and energetic. Well done Crasala we love you.

  14. Hilarious post!

    Me and a couple of friends heard her when she was with FM 100 or 101 sometime back. I recall us friends cracking up laughing, when we were not completely bewildered. She is completely loopy man. But if we can have pretentious and asinine twats as RJs, why not an over-the-top aunty?

    a.

  15. i know this lady for quite some time, shes original … this is the way she is in her normal everyday life. got style of her own, & passion for music. technos arabic .. latin etc. mixes her own stuff in music she plays on air.. anyone who listens to her shows … the first time , listener gets stuck with the radio…. surprised of her tone … & whatever crap she talks 🙂

    i enjoy her shows… but if u dare to call her up…. she will slaughter you on AIR !!!

    this the way she is.. our DJ Cressella.

    zak

  16. Call the men in white overalls to take her back to

    Giddu Bandar from where she has quite apparently

    escaped from.

  17. Great! I see your blogs are very interesting. By the Manizhe says she knows you, I’m very sure that’s true.

    Manizhe Ali. I know you know her!

    Will call you as soon as possible. Okbye. Sina

  18. Can anybody get me her pic. I wanna c how this wild lady looks like. Must be keeping very long nails which must always be painted and must also be a buxxon lady. Plz send me her pic.

  19. Thank God we dont have that Horrendous Dj Craaasssalaaaaaa in Lahore, I wonder how would she pronounce Lahore…Oh God I don’t wanna know…anyway we in Lahore have even more dreadful Rjs such as Rj Nabeel on Fm103 man u have got to listen to him on wednesday and sunday nights on http://www.Mastfm103.com.pk or (peace.str3am.com:6220)…yaar he has a new English accent… u will definately forget Craaasssalaaaaaa or what ever her name is….Man FM103 has a weiered taste of hiring Rjs they should learn something from 89…..or 91. all of the other cahnnels are following the same patteren. thats aweful

  20. hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

    your chanel is soperrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    yay avery one

    “she is cool”

    “keep it up”

    byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  21. hahahaha superr article!!
    i got the horrenduous chance of listening to her once and mannn she killed the song by her non stop drone interruptions!!! She must read this article!!!!

  22. You found (&transcribed) DJ Crassala (from:crass?)!!!

    I am so happy she has been documented as an icon of our age. From listening to her, I could’ve sworn her name was Priscila (yes like the Australian drag queens). But either way I love…nono I {heart} her and I want to bear her “queer spawn.”

    Seriously though, her trademark enunciation literally saved my life countless times when driving back – exhausted and defeated after 2 day shifts at the hospital and made me laugh at all my rubbish self-involved issues.

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