A day in the life of a Conservative American Fanatic:
Dear Diary,
It’s been a long haul but those godless commies have been finally driven back from whatever third world country they come from. The nerve of these people, first sneaking in worse than rats right under the eyes of the Statue of Liberty, then organizing those damned anti-American marches all over the place. They should be ashamed of themselves. Why, my family came over in their very own yacht. I have always maintained that if you can’t afford to sail into harbour in your own yacht then you don’t deserve to be here.
Anyways, I’ve already told you many a times about the damage that has been done to my beautiful country by these fanatics. What I want to tell you about today is how we finally put them back down where they belong. As you know, Texas (the greatest) has been running out of oil these past few years. Now sad as that is, we here are quite a little proud of this little achievement. Why, just the cars in my garage, which I have started every day to make sure they are running fine, contributed significantly to that. Why, one of my best buds, Red MacDougall estimates that his family alone uses up a million barrels a year or so. Not many people outside Texas can boast of such magnificence.
So anyways, I have always figured that God put oil over in the Middle East for a reason. Not only do we get to invade other countries and test all those new weapons but we get oil out of it too! Now if all that oil had been in Texas then God damn we would have invaded anyways but then it takes all the urgency and fun (and profits) out of it.
So we were sitting around last Christmas, the entire gang, just having a little jaw over things, when we decided that things had gotten a little boring in the world. Plus, shares weren’t doing all to well for most of us so we decided to turn things around in the best American tradition.
Richard Perde came up with the idea of have a little war, and after a whiskey round or two we decided to go for it. We had a good old argument about where to go, but Donny and Rich said that Eye-Iraq had the weakest army with the most oil and as you all know that one-two combination just can’t be beat. So Eye-Raq it was.
And that was when all the troubles started. We got all set and ready to roll. Most of us had made preparations well in advance and were well stocked up on the right stocks of all the military equipment companies. We even sent over a advance bonus to that journalist who came up with the Shock and Awe campaign. Any plan which requires using every bomb and missile in the inventory is a gem of the highest order. So we were cruising along, fine and dandy, when some damned congress members leaked the plan. Congress of course we bought under the usual arrangements. They complained that we had increased the rate for FOX and not theirs but we said hey they have more influence then you so that’s the way the cookie falls. So these damned people who do god knows what for a living kept trying to spoil our fun. Even the public, who is pretty much well under control normally, muttered a few times about this and that. WE had to really work hard to get them back under control. Why our advertising budget tripled the last year and the clothing budget has shot of the charts what with all the appearances we had to make to TV and in public. Of course we saved money by downsizing our fact finding division and hiring a advertising copy writer as a replacement. We also had to fire all the intelligence personnel but we thought what with all the money we pay Fox and CNN we don’t need more news coming in. Its not like anyone was reading it anyway.
Baag-Dad is fallen. We’re still bombing but that’s just to clean out the inventory. EyeRaQ is free and with its freedom the eye-raqi pehpul are gonna party like its 1999. McDonalds and Starbucks have their secondary franchise invasion all set to go soon as we give the word. So I just don’t understand what all the complaining is about.
Hearbert Hoover the Fifth
Somewhere in a Mansion on a Dude Ranch in Texas
_dahling, day 2 will be up soon_
The scary thing is that it is too true to be considered humorous!
Actually god didn’t put oil over the middle east. Islam, the religion of arab imperialism, got lucky and has access to it now, even though they haven’t been able to do much with it besides export death and terror and lose wars in its failed attempts to eliminate the jewish state. The US is picking up the pieces of arab failure for our own strategic interests.